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Monday, December 20, 2010

lists

Just some dumb stuff.


1. I was in a house the other day for a party and in the sitting room there was this blackboard thing with rules for the house. The weird thing isn’t even that a house had a blackboard with rules in it, the rules read:
1. Always heed the advice given.
2. obedience to parents is very important
3. No spitting on the floor.

Now that’s not made up that 3rd one read it again and scratch your head in wonder at the kind of spitting epidemic they had in this house, and as you scratch your head make sure you look where you’re going because with spit in such large amounts its bound to be a slipping hazard. Were people spitting as they heeded advice and obeyed their parents, and if this was so why not just advice them to stop spitting then order them to stop. But no, rule number 3.


2. I was told this story about this drunk guy on a mat one day. He was beer drunk and the thing about being beer drunk, you need to pee, its this sharp necessity like there’s a sword up your bladder and then you start imagining the release and when that happens now you need to pee doubly as badly because of both the pressure in your bladder and your anticipation about pleasure from its release. He pleaded with the mat driver to stop and let him pee. He would only be 4 minutes(beer does make you pee like a camel.) but the driver is having none of that. So the guy makes an executive decision. He asks to be dropped at the next stage whichever it is so he can pee and walk the rest the way home. Alcohol is bad for you. Especially since the poor guy was nowhere near home, it was late at night and he was drunk. He was willing to brave the odds that he would get home safe just because he needed to pee! Beer is bad for bladder sand causes blunders.

3. Someone exclaims “there are camels in coast !” and I reply, ”that’s why their called the ships of the desert.” Well he saw right through that one. Hit me right back with the witty retort “there are no deserts in coast”


4. This chic at a party loses her phone cos she had left it charging near the dj. Unfortunately the grief counselor from hell is there, you know the one who was let out because all the tears from the demon’s eyes who went to see him were putting out the fires.,

“you’re holding your cheeks because you lost 6,000 shs. only 6,000, we drink 12,000 shs. In a night we put that money under our foots right here(at this point he makes as if to put his foot on a crate.) but it’s a nice experience for you next time you go for a party you’ll know to charge your phone at home(insert wicked laugh here) Us when we lose we lose 600,000 shs. Like the other day I rolled my wife’s car and I had no idea where to get the money. In fact just to help you I’ll do a harambee and give you a third of the price , 2,000shs.”-he went on and on, berating her about her loss for the next ten minutes.

The way he said it was really funny and I saw all these guys laughing their ways out of getting any that night, cruel insensitivity and he didn’t chuck the 2,000.


5. When I opened this blog I felt so proud of myself for embracing technology and finally putting a piece of myself out there on the internet, then i heard my cousin opened a blog. Am not some elitist who thinks no one else in my family should embrace technology or one of those avant garde who needs to have done it first or not at all. I just happen to know for a fact that my cousin’s writing will be very immature and if its not she is a child prodigy, my cousin is 12 years old and started her blog before I started mine and the only reason I haven’t checked it out yet is because of this nagging fear that there may be better writing there or, gods forbid more comments.

6. Some girl asked me who we were four I had no answer for her, literally no answer.