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Monday, January 31, 2011

lists

1. Sportsman and its irony.

This is the cheapest brand of cigarette in Kenya. Its what you buy when the funds are low, well at least for most people. Anyone smoking sportsman is not a casual smoker or a poser, they love their nicotine with a passion unmatched for most things in their life including their fitness. So the fact that this cigarette which has put an end to more potential sports careers than sex should be called sportsman is a source of great joy for me.

2. Kenyan police.


The police in Kenya are known for two things corruption and laziness; these 2 characteristics were immortalized forever in the joke about calling the cops and hearing them demand fuel for their cars before they leave the station to come to the crime scene.

However, the other day my aunt lost her laptop in the parking lot of a supermarket, they duly reported the matter to the police, I guess for insurance purposes. A few hours later she gets a call telling her to come down to the station to identify her stuff. Apparently there was a diary in there with her name and some guy was caught hawking it. How the police chose that particular guys hands to inspect we shall never know. The odds are amazing its an area with a huge number of hawkers. the sheer bad luck needed for this to happen is an event as inexplicable as the fact that the Kenyan police can work that fast

When this guy was caught he said he had no idea where the laptop was so he gets thrown in jail. From inside the cell shrill screams of pain are heard coming through the doors as the guy swears in his most please-don’t-torture-me voice. Apparently having being told about the smart business sense that is outsourcing the police decided to do the same and now torture is done by inmates who have been in for a while. And they call prisons a centre for rehabilitation. I was told the screams were so piercing my uncle actually wanted to them to stop because it was a company laptop anyway and would be replaced by the insurance policy.

3. white tees

As long as we’re on the subject of brutality. A guy told me recently how he was at a get together and due to some fight related activities he cut himself in the hand so he was bleeding rather profusely. While he was on his way home, a tout and he got into a scuffle. A verbal argument that turned physical. This tout was wearing a white tee-shirt and when they began to fight in the course of being really bad at fights the tout s overcome.

This guy has him on the floor in front of him, he straddles him and proceeds to fist him(don’t be such a pervert). Anyway this guy is punching him over and over and due to the wound he received earlier blood starts spurting, being flung everywhere, but mostly on the tout and his tee-shirt. White takes stains to heart as quickly as the apostles took jesus’ teachings. The blood forms all over the teeshirt and begins to look like an atlas of brutality. It s at this point that people begin to intervene and this guy is at pains to explain how this blood is his from an earlier mishap

4. CAPITAL

Have you ever got a text or email and it was in capital letter so it FELT LIKE SOMEONE WAS SHOUTING AT YOU. This is a pretty common phenomenon and it’s called, I actually have no idea what its called or whether its even pretty common at all or its just the people I talk to who know about it. Anyway this chic was in a noisy place and she actually wrote a text in capital letters. When asked why she did this that’s actually the reason she gave (I AM IN A NOISY PLACE.)

5. LODGINGS.

These are the Kenyan name for those motels and inns where people only go to have anonymous, hidden sex. The recently introduced alcohol ll however allows people to get a drink in a lodging even during the day giving it yet another advantage over a normal bar. As a result my uncle told my aunt with quite the serious look in his face
“when you’re going through my pockets and find a receipt for a lodging in there, its not what you think, I had just checked in for a drink”

6. OVERREACTION

Weed is good if for nothing else than that it brings about the following overreaction from its users.

“Time is about to become meaningless, right now my phone is 5 minutes ahead your’s maybe 2 minutes behind and everyone else’s is at some other point in time. The meaning of this is there is no such thing as time anymore and thus human beings and humanity as a whole are about to break out of the 3 dimensions and live in the 4th”

Without weed the simple fact of watches being set to different times would not have such awe-inspiring consequences.