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Thursday, April 21, 2011

dreams

I read once bout how good it is to write in the morning because it was then that the writer still has the most access to his dream state,d reams are weird and inexplicable but they make generally interesting stories. It's like there's a part of your life that happens on autopilot.

I remember that once in a while i know I am dreaming but I always waste it. That's when you should fly away into the sky or have sex with whoever you want just by calling her to mind but the dreams I realise are dreams are generally so messed up that all I want to do is wake up. The only recurring dream I seem to have is that tomorrow is KCSE and I haven't read for the papers, I cleared high school way too long ago to keep being bothered by this dream, weird thing is I can't remember ever having it before high school was over.

Yesterday someone asked me who i thought all the strangers in dreams were. I had honestly never thought about it before right then, I figured that in real life there are strangers so in dreams there are too. But that doesn't makes sense since these are all creations of your mind why would your mind conjure up a stranger. That never happens when we are awake so there must be some kind of central repository, she said it's probably all the thousands of people who jostle us for space every day, I reacted the way I do to all new information, by brushing it off but it festered and now it makes sense. Sometimes I am struck by the sheer numbers of people walking around the world, just Nairobi gets to me. There seems to be an endless sea of people pushing back and forth passing through life and I wonder how all these people could possibly exist and I wonder where the hell they could all be going, maybe they're all going to my dreams to make sure that my mind or subconscious doesn't stay lonely on the condition that I visit their’s too.

I never wondered about strangers being in my dreams because I could never get over people I know being in them. Sometimes it's someone I don't think of ever except when am sleeping. Sometimes when I haven't seen someone in a long time they show up in my dream to remind me they exist. But I always forget. When I have a dream that someone I know is in and it's not a sex dream I always wonder whether I should tell her. Dreams as I may have mentioned are really weird. The symbolism is heavy in them and if you are going to believe Freud they are always sex dreams. I went to Zanzibar yesterday, but in a really weird way. I crossed a border and as soon as I was in Zanzibar the sun's light had a different quality like it was being filtered by all the Swahili. Speaking of sun and Swahili for a really long time I wanted to make a joke about the fact that the word jua means both know and sun but I never quite got it. And now when I think about it I probably went to Zanzibar cos someone was telling me about the similarity between cognac and konyagi. The point is I took someone along for the journey, not as a guest but she was there the whole time in my dream. And I couldn't remember her name so I kept asking her her name and she would point at a name tag, I have no idea why she had a name tag, but I would read the name tag and immediately know that was not her real name but there was nothing I could do about it, I couldn't remember her name no matter how I tried.

Most night pass in black though. I blink and wake up to pee and I blink and wake up cos my alarm is about to go off or cos it already has, that's my average night. It makes me think I don't dream most nights but maybe I just dream of darkness. Maybe my most recurring dream is "thoughts on the abyss” that darkness of mine seems infinite, and I can't believe I give over so much of my life to a state of nothingness, to a place with no escape, to a place where I can't even run from cos I have no idea I am in there. And I don't like the dark, I love slivers of light that steal some of its menace away like robin hood trading menace for mystery, but when they are not around I get irritated and scared. I don't like things being absolutely, completely black but it happens. And only happens when am asleep. I dream of this thing that I don't like, this thing I hate and I always remember that dream. That dream of darkness, I have had this nightmare nearly every night of my life and I will for the foreseeable future. So I don't like to seep.

I don't understand people who do. There's nothing for me there but darkness and dreams I don't understand or ever want to remember. Its like even those dreams I actually have are invaded by the darkness and given a tinge making them a life that I can't quite recognise. Maybe am just jealous of people who enjoy their dreams, I haven't had a flying dream in years, I quite think I would enjoy that but then I also think I wouldn't.