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Thursday, May 26, 2011

kissing the sun

We don't do the things we love to do often enough, nobody stops to smell the roses. I don’t know why maybe because when we're walking in the garden all we can think is to keep our shoes free of mud. I love closing my eyes in the sun. it's a beautiful experience, especially when the sun is just right. When it is goldilocked into place, when the rays caress you gently and warmly, not too hot, just hot enough and you feel like you are in the middle of an embrace from someone you love.

When the sun is just like that I love to close my eyes to it. We close our eyes when we kiss or when listening to a particularly good song, am sure I would close my eyes when I read if that was possible. Closing your eyes makes things mean more, I don't know why I would guess its because its a symbol of trusting whatever you are closing your eyes to. Its saying that when am with you I don't have to worry about anything else, and yes the world is full of big, bad things that I should watch out for but for this moment, for right now I don't want to worry about anything else, I don't want to think about failure and fear, I don't want to consider insecurity and its idiosyncrasies or the future and its possibilities, I don't want to think about the past and its regrets all I want is right now. This moment and if I close my eyes it could last as long as night does and so we close our eyes when we kiss someone we like.

But when the sun holds me in that embrace and kisses me most of the time I don't let it. I keep my eyes open and soon I get teary and bleary, I get angry at the sun for making me remember just how weak my eyes really are and I shield myself from it with my hands above my forehead. A spurned lover, sometimes it gets angry and hot and sends down ray after ray of temperature until I can feel the sweat trickling down my face in little rivulets like the tears of one who has been betrayed and then I hate the sun. I can't wait for it to leave and when it does I miss it so much, its too cold, much too cold without it. I have a thing for anything that's unavailable and nothing can be further away than a sun hiding its shame behind a bunch of clouds determined not to show itself to a world that can't close its eyes.

Yesterday I closed my eyes for the first time this year, maybe the first time in years. The warmth spread through my face making every nerve feel alive and individual making them all feel special. Then it hit my eyelids and I saw that red, the beautiful sun red when it strikes your eyelids. I was in a world of red blankets and red walls. Maybe that's why women in red are always so beautiful, a lingering memory of the kiss of the sun. I fell into that red and I couldn't stop it. It was like I could see my blood passing this way and that. Although instead of the rivers of blood that my mind considers because of all this talk of veins and arteries it was a sea of blood. I was awash in it and I felt good. I prefer seas to rivers. They are not angry, they don't just destroy. Rivers by design cut into the world and leave a scar across its surface, its the only way they can turn into the ocean, the lake, the sea they all want to be. Rivers are like human beings, knowing all their lives that they were made in the image of this deity and so they fight to get there. They leave behind horrible destruction and scars that can't be healed, they also bring life in the form of silt and leave it everywhere doing good and evil. They snake through these paths that seem to be predetermined but are actually dependent on a hundred million little things, a pebble that a child throws in, a leaf that falls into it and changes the course of things forever, a dam that they have to work to get over. When I write about it perhaps rivers deserve more respect from me. I love to listen to them, the sound of a rush, of struggle and ambition, of action and purpose can be intoxicating but then I remember being on a lake or an ocean, being inside a boat and feeling at peace with myself. In the best way a gentle rocking, a consideration of things that we can't understand.

Anyway I was glad to see a sea of blood in my eyes maybe that's why I felt so at peace, so willing to surrender. And so I sat like that for a bit and then the world came crashing in. I held it at bay for a while but fear came to see me again, having missed me for all of one minute. I felt vulnerable and weak. I was scared that something would hit me and I wouldn't see it coming, love is blind they say and when we close our eyes all we do is give symbolic significance to actual fact. I knew the sun would leave me so I wasn't too worried about that but I was worried about other things, I was worried about a rugby ball flying into my face(I was at a rugby match), I was worried about a clumsy human running into me. So I opened my eyes, too afraid to allow myself to be completely swept away in that sea of red. Soon enough the sun went to hide behind the wall of clouds it build up for itself, and even now am not sure when I’ll next close my eyes, soon I hope.