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Thursday, May 19, 2011

the sea

“the scars of your love remind me of us, they keep me thinking that we almost had it all.
The scars of your love they leave me breathless I can't help feeling we could have had it all.”-Adelle.

I love this song. This lady can sing like noone else I have heard in a while it's like listening to fallin' by Alicia keys all those years ago for the first time. And so I put on her album today. I guess am having one of those weeks.

Don't know whether everyone has this problem or not but every once in a while I alienate people, en masse. This week there are whole clusters of people who have let me go, some politely, some honestly feeling continued relations with me wouldn't be good for me or them. I had 3 of those in one night, not 3 break-ups because then I wouldn't have a lot of reason to complain but 3 friend-ups. It's like when I start I can't stop. I usually only get angry at people for being angry with me but this time I feel like I deserved it. I did some selfish things, not to all these people but to the one who was direct. The rest seemed to be coming for a while, the dam just broke all at once.

We're all selfish I can at least take solace in that and we're all capable of thinking just of us, isn't that what really makes us human and not ants? But I don't get called selfish much,not many people do, you have to be a real douche bag before someone says some things to your face, especially when they aren't just saying them to be hurtful. So I guess I was selfish and I had no excuse for it, no reason at all. And I had this long awkward conversation with implorations for relaxation(from her) where I could have corrected at least some of my selfishness, doused it liberally with honesty making it sting a bit more, but sometimes the wounds that sting right then are easier to get over. As it stands the truth found its way out of a shell where it wasn't properly hidden. It wasn't hidden at all. The truth was right there, a low hanging fruit ripe for the picking that would have fallen to the ground with the slightest rustle of wind and like I said it has been a stormy week.

Sometimes we lie because we’re scared and have no idea where the truth will take us. We lie because we don't want to find out how it feels to be found out, we construct lies out of thin air and expect to live in those mansions. I had a conversation where someone told me “words are gas, they don't change anything” I obviously didn't agree. I think words are magic and have more power than we give them credit for, power to change and turn and break and make things. They have the power to make us think and make us feel and make us stop doing all those things. Words have the power to heal and to hurt and to make things that were horrible less so and those that were OK a gashing wound that can only be staunched by the silent words that nature whispers with time or the mystical ones that one heart can say to another.

So I don't think words are gas, but I had all the wrong words this week. I strung them together in hopeless sentences. And hopeless sentences can be eloquent, they can be nice to think up and even better to hear, but they are usually false, they lie about who they are especially when they think they are true, when they think that life can be turned around by them and...well I had all the wrong words this week.

The worst part about consequences is when you ask yourself if it was worth it, it usually isn't but you feel like it almost was. And regret fills me up like a soda bottle, there's a small space that sighs for lack of regret and remorse, there’s the gas in the soda that bubbles to the top when you pour it and makes that slight headache you get from drinking too much soda nearly worth it.

But then again words are failing me, I want to apologise, to say am sorry, and say it so honestly it has to be believed. I want to find the words that bypass my actions, that make them better, or forgotten, the ones that wipe the slate clean, I don't even have the right words for the kind of words I want to find. But this feels like one of those situations where words are gas. The right words don't exist or they don't exist in me. “Sorry” is hollow but it's true, it's simple, it's not made up. But it's not enough, I wish I could say something that was enough. But I know that’s not there. I know. I know that was one of those breaks that doesn’t get mended. I was going to write unless with time but I don't think so either. I hate losing people in the brilliant light that is life. I remember in a movie, before sunset, one of the characters said “when we're young we think the world is full of people with whom we can connect and then we get older and realise that's not true” or words to that effect.

So whenever I lose one of these people, or someone who(with the benefit of hindsight) I think could have been one of these people I feel sad and bad. I hate it more when it was my fault. When I realise that the way i have chosen to conduct my life may be the reason these people are leaving one by one, ships put out to sea that I am not going to see again. And I hate feeling like I deserve it or understanding that their reasons are valid, I really do. Other times I can write it off as their problem, their fault, their not being the person I thought they were. I hate when the tables turn and the person I think I am I don't act like . And all protestations to the contrary fall on deaf ears. The solid wall of your actions stopping the gas of your words. I hate feeling like this, I hate thinking it's my fault but I know it is and ces't la vie.

But I don't want to accept it. I keep thinking there's a way out even when I know there isn't, maybe give her time but I don't think so, I’m clutching at straws and I know it, and the straws are coming away in clumps and this only makes it worse. There is no better. I think it ends here, it stops and doesn't move forward, but the more straws I clutch the deeper I drown. I hate knowing that too. Because that means I know the only thing I should do is stop.