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Monday, July 18, 2011

i write therefore i-pad

On my first night after school, the very night we finished those accursed exams I went out. Before I went out and during the outing I drank like a sailor. In luo the word wito means throw away, why this is important or at least relevant will be revealed before this paragraph is done. I lost my phone that night. I can't with all fairness to real victims of theft say that it was stolen from me though it technically was. I got home and told everyone my phone was lost my aunt asked with at least an ounce of pity, ok maybe a pinch “you witoed it?”(not exactly the past tense but the message was definitely passed.)

Well now I was in a fix, I had finished university and my first executive act as a former student was to get rid of all the excess baggage contained in microchips, plastic, metal, buttons and glass. I had lost all my contacts in that phone, text messages going back five months were gone, notes where I had written all these ideas of things I wanted to do or google were gone. And I loved that phone like I love all my phones but ces't la vie.

That's when I began using my i-pad. I put it in my pocket and it fit snug, let me describe the i-pad. Its all white which is always a good colour for anything, nothing could look worse all white, just dress in white from head to toe wait for all the compliments to flow and you'll see what I mean. It's a tiny device maybe 3.5 by 3.5 inches, I don't own a ruler so this is all backwards engineering from the measurement all men have seared in their brain from years of art directed towards promoting women's liberation. The interface is amazing, more intuitive than anything else I have ever used. I know exactly what to do to get it to do what I want. I use a stylus kind of device on it and it glides over all too smooth leaving an almost permanent mark on the screen that I can access whenever I want. It has an ingenious system for sharing information, say I want to give you something I stored in there I can transmit it using a method much better and easier than bluetooth. The only downside to this i-pad of mine is the fact that it has a very tiny memory, less than 70 kilo-bytes am sure, just to put it into perspective this blog post saved as a word document would probably be more than 70 kilobytes.

By now the more intuitive reader, or any who has been paying attention to at least the last sentence of the previous paragraph will figure out that Steve Jobs would be howling to high heaven if he read that, he would deny that statement and proclaim its falsity in falsetto tones and tomes that fell from bells to homes and the depths of hells. Well let me just say this is no ordinary i-pad, no employee of apple ever saw it or worked on it. What this is is simply a bunch of sticky notes all white in colour in which I have taken to writing down things. That's what it is maybe 50 of these tiny papers that you would use to leave notes to your lover if you were imaginary characters in a movie made before cell-phones existed.

But I love my i-pad, on the back of it a friend of mine hastily scribbled I write therefore i-pad. I found that amazingly funny and succinct. When you lose your phone you can be lost. You have no numbers to use to make any plans and no phone to use if you did have the numbers. It's worse when you lose it on a day when all commitments to be somewhere from a certain time to another have flown out the window. I have no school where I can run into friends, I have no work where I can meet employees, if I want to find people the best option is a bar and that already cost me a phone. If I have any bright ideas I can't write them down and since every other time I lost a phone I took about a month to replace it this meant I was lost in a sea of uncommunicativeness, someone told me “you must feel so isolated” and I did I don't know how I would have made it without my i-pad.

Let me just say that there are few things better than getting a girl to write her number down for you on a piece of paper, in this world where everything is digital and stored in places most of us don't understand and can't see. In a world that asks us to have more faith in these things we don't really see or understand(well for some of us)than any ancient religion ever did, though the faith is in science and electronics and the internet to take care of us, in a world such as this it’s nice to ask someone for her number and have her write it down for you on a piece of paper and then you can promise to take care of that piece of paper as you stick it back into your pocket. Plus I like female calligraphy, it looks so much better than the hand I always put to paper.

I took to writing things down in the midst of conversation, one of the wise said that the faintest ink is better than the sharpest memory and I have to agree, thanks to this i-pad I put down gems of conversations, here is one that comes from the deep need that alcohol drinkers have to justify their spending.
“you know with all the tax on alcohol(a sin tax of nearly 100% and VAT) the best way to help the government educate some child who needs free primary education is to drink. You're funnelling most of the funds back into the national government, so don't think of it as drinking but rather as paying school fees”
well maybe not exactly a gem but it was a thought I would never have remembered otherwise.

So now I have a phone but I still find it hard to let go of my i-pad. And I don' think i'll have to, I can use it to note things down, I can still ask for numbers that way, I can remember things I wouldn't have and do this in a way that human beings have for years, if I was a man in the 60's it would still work. So I pad.