Not till i thought to give words to thought did i find the words that gave thought to thought.
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Sunday, September 4, 2011
He felt her even before he saw her, it had always had been like that
between them and it always brought the unbidden thought to the
forefront of his mind if only I met her first. But he hadn't
and any such thoughts were disloyal, seeds of betrayal that if
watered by constant reminder would only germinate into treachery.
He looked up into the sky though he didn't have to, it was one of
those nights when the sky opened up and let all of her children
splatter into the ground, let them become fat splats of water and
wet. It was exactly the kind of night for what was about to happen he
could feel that too. He knew that this was the kind of sky, the kind
of weather that the gods chose for reckonings. He stood there for a
while letting his hair get wet, letting the water soak through to his
He had always been a fan of duality and it struck him as fitting that
his body should feel as uncomfortable as he knew he was about to.
She was waiting for him on the ledge, wet too, her face streaked with
rainwater or so he told himself. Anyone who cared too could see that
the rains had curved a track into her face too close to the track
that tears took for that to be any kind of coincidence. She gave a
brave smile when she saw him, a heart-warming smile but the true
tragedy at times like this was that nothing was ok. The most beautiful
smiles tinged by tears, framed by sadness arere still beautiful but a
kind of beauty that was terrible to behold, a kind of beauty that
held you in its grasp and at the same time made you feel just as bad
as the bearer of the smile, that was the smile she flashed him as
simultaneously a flash of lightning illuminated her emptiness.
He gave it a heartbeat, he gave it another. Then he said
“its far too cold for us to stay out here long, please come in.”
“thanks I thought you would never ask.”
they entered and with the practised avoidance of people who have had
to evade a lot of the things they really wanted to say they talked
about everything else. They laughed and had stiff drinks to fight
away the cold and the wet.
But he knew why she was here, she was here because his best friend
was a bastard and he had met her first. She was here because now she
had to know, she was past inkling suspicions and female intuition,
now she had to know beyond the shadow of a doubt. She was here
because she wanted to know if this was it for them. She was here
because she was a castaway on a ship bound for destruction, she could
feel the ship being tossed this way and that and the deck was
slipping below her feet, she knew this. She also knew that this was
her best chance at escape but she couldn't do it alone, she didn't
even feel like she ccould do it. She couldn't trust herself to swim
and the ocean of life that surrounded her was black and inky. It
stretched for miles and she was sure she would sink if she tried to swim alone. A rickety
ship with a horrible captain was better then the treacherous waves
she could glimpse ready to take her away. But she had to find out if
there was something else waiting, a ship, a beacon, another swimmer,
a hand in the darkness ready to take her away from all of this.
Of course he knew that his bastard of a friend was cheating, of
course he had. The friend always knew and he knew what it had been
doing to her. He had watched her getting torn apart by paranoia and
the secret knowledge that she could not bear to trust since she
wanted to be rational. He also knew he had lied to her plenty of
times, not directly but did that really matter when each truth he
held back was a cause of her going back to a place where she would be
hurt again and again. But this friendship he had with the bastard
went back longer than he could remember, it was a friendship that had
risen out of the mists of the first memories of childhood fully formed by
the time he had spoken his first word, fully cemented by the first
real footfall they had both had. He was poison to the women in his
life but noone was perfect and when he searched his soul he knew that
there had never been a truer friend to him. There had not been a hint
of betrayal. In that relationship he was the bastard, he was the
coveter but he couldn't help it. Since he had first seen Shara he had
known it was going to be a problem, well he hadn't really he hadn't
expected this thing to last nearly as long as it had. He had expected
this relationship between her and the bastard, (the other bastard
really) to fade away in no time at all. And with it he saw all his
treacherous thoughts going away. But that had not happened, instead
they had gotten closer, all three of them and the bastard had taken a
very long time to revert to his old habits. in the meantime he and
Shara had become friends. Friends who could talk for hours and laugh
for days. He had hooked up with some of her friends, more of a
protective mechanism on his part, just cos he didn't want the chance
of a deeper relationship to foster but that hadn't worked at all.
Instead he became the bastard to all of them. All of Shara's friends
could see what he really wanted and couldn't stand it and so they
melted away, not just from his life but her's too till he was one of
the few remaining confidants she had. And what a confidant burdened
with buried feelings of lust and more, owing more loyalty to he that
she would complain about than he ever could to her. It tore him.
And now right before him stood a chance. If he could be brave, not brave,
disloyal enough to take it. He could tell her that her fears were
well founded, he could tell her that and then he could hold her in his arms now
and for as long as the storm lasted. She would say yes,he knew, he
could tell that the feelings he felt weren't one way.
And the storm outside raged on.
“I need to know,” Shara began “I need to know if he has been
she looked in his eyes, all his life he had thought that stupid
American insistence about not being able to lie while looking in
someone's eye was bullshit but right now... Right now he could feel her
insistence, her hope, her pleas for the truth from one of the men in
her life, he could see she didn't care which one, whoever was truer
would have her. And he could see all this in her eyes, he felt the lies and the well practised lies freezing in his throat.
emotions swirled around him, his head and heart. His body trembled as
his soul shook. Another flash of lightning outside. This was one of
those moments. Honour or happiness? But he knew there was no real
honour in protecting his friend or stealing Shara and he felt there
could not really be happiness when he had to make a choice like this.
Everywhere he looked he was lost. But the bastard was not here right
now, "better a bird with a bush" he remembered someone had once
corrupted that wise old saying. And he could see Shara's eyes, feel
her breath, sense her uncertainty and he knew what to do.
Better a bird with a bush... it was the bastard had coined that
saying but he had never stuck to its truth, his friend had found it
funny but never acted on it, how could he. For his friend it had always been better a bud than a bird. He took a deep breath and
prepared to say the word that would determine a large chunk of his
As he said it the thunder roared around them, drowning out his words.