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Thursday, December 6, 2012

crushes 2: miss riri

The first words she ever said to me... well it was something about putting porn on replay, I wasn’t impressed, I need to be taken slow. She too was in my background as much as someone like that can be. There are those people in life who loom so large that you can’t get away from them. Whether or not you want to you hear their voice whisper in your ear, you feel their emotions stirring yours, you see them on your screens and they inhabit your conversations. The girl this time is Rihanna.

I can’t say why I didn’t find teenage Rihanna hot, you see she and I are the same age so no matter when, no matter how old  I can find Rihanna hot, but her ragga years just didn’t do it for me. Nothing did in fact until SOS. I liked that song, the first of her songs I actually liked and the video! Do you remember how beautiful she looked, bathed in sweat and green, surrounded by jungle and suggestion, she jumps in and out of frames and back and forth through melodies and I loved every time she did a songy-metaphor from then on. 
 was my favourite ever. There was nothing I liked more than whispering to people that, “it’s not really about cars.” Anyone who says being condescending isn’t fun isn’t doing it right.

Lately she’s been running out of my radar again A few years ago she was involved with Chris Brown(informal polls tell me that girls find it easier to forgive this man than men do-informal polls is what I call barroom conversations.) then she grew out of it and became insanely successful. For the last 2 years whether you wanted to or not you heard almost all of her songs. Every month in every club there was a riri jam played. You knew the words, you knew the beats, you felt the melody whether you wanted to or not.

And then she launched a new album. By now I really don’t care about the music, am not sure I will like any of the songs in the album , I haven’t heard it i probably won't  but I have read about it. I have read about it and her to death. More specifically I read about this 777 tour she did last week. The concept is simple 7 concerts in 7 countries in 7 days. She hired a Boeing 777(never stop with a good thing) got aboard it gave out tickets to 200 fans and journalists and began her tour. A tour that takes her to Mexico, Toronto, Stockholm, Tokyo, Berlin  London, New York. It’s called an around the world tour because international artists treat Africa and the Middle East the way the UN does.

I have never wanted to be a music writer or a Rihanna mega fan as much as when I read about this tour. 7 days on a plane to 7 of the world’s biggest cities with 200 people from all over it, with tickets to the Rihanna concerts and after party invitations. Come on!!!

I want.

The thing is of course this kind of magic wonderland doesn’t always go too well. I read some reports from the guys on board and they hadn’t seen the sun in days. You fly all day, you land in a country, wait for your bags, go for the concert, go for the party, have a wakeup call(you really don’t want to be left behind) get on board the plane and leave for the next stop, its almost like fight club. The first thing I thought about was the stamina Rihanna must have. I have watched one international concert and those guys give it their all. They leave their souls on the stage and in response get it given back to them. For 7 days Rihanna would be doing this, going through her set of songs day after day. remember that a performance is like a dance or a seduction, you have to pull them close and turn them away, you have to tease and please, you have to know when to go hard and when to come soft, you have to read the crowd and know what to give them and you have to give them just enough that they thirst for more and not so little that they leave feeling raw. Dancing, singing, riling them up. It’s tiring. Now imagine doing a 2-3 hour performance, leaving there for an after party, leaving there for a plane trip(remember how tiring it is to sleep on something that moves, you sleep but you never really rest), then get to a new city and do it all over again.

The guys on the plane complained about never seeing Rihanna and having nothing to write about other than never seeing Rihanna and I get it. They are journalists required to file a story every day. They are also tired as hell. The performance will be mostly the same except for the name of the city and the plane itself. Am not sure how clean it could possibly be. A lot of journalists drink a lot. Rihanna’s fans were there too, I can imagine that a lot of Rihanna’s fans like to drink. Plus on the first night she was passing down the hallway of the plane asking people to get crunk (which I assume means drunk and was such a fuel for this crush on her.) it’s not the kind of plane where alcohol would run low. Add to this the slight air sickness that someone must experience and you have puke on a plane. Puke on a plane is (I can imagine horrible) it collects there and smells. This person is too drunk to clean it up, plus maybe it happened right when the captain asked you to take your seats. This presents a lot of problems. Not to mention other  hygiene problems. How many people do you imagine after a few days of partying all night told themselves, I’ll shower tomorrow, no one saw me in this shirt yesterday. As they walked around in a petri-dish of alcohol, sweat, perfume, cigarrete and marijuana smoke as well as other DNA particles depending on how unlucky they co-passengers were.

The thing is being cooped up with total strangers from all over the world for 7 days in a coffin shaped flying instrument is not anyone’s idea of paradise. However being cooped up in a place with freely flowing alcohol and the feeling that comes with time passing you not just because the earth is moving but because you are in a place with people who share a lot of the same interests as you (music writing or Rihanna) for 7 cannot be all bad, in fact it sounds amazing.

I want to have been on that plane. I don’t particularly like Rihanna’s music but I like her. She strikes me as this bad girl, she will break your heart you know this going in. she’s a whirlwind, a tornado and you can’t hanker down no matter how you try. With a girl like that you have to let yourself know that you won’t possess her, not ever, but she will possess you like  a demon does, she will climb in every inch of you and change you and have you doing things you would never do. She’ll have you thinking about her all the time; she’ll have you in a pale cousin of love. That cousin that never sees the light because she’s too hangover and anyway she doesn’t look too pretty without make up. But it will be that cousin of love who when she comes out in the dead of the night with her red lipstick on wipes every single memory of anything that come before or after. Then she will leave you because a girl like this doesn’t stay. It doesn’t happen. You can tell yourself whatever you want but she’ll walk out of the door and you’ll never see her again and if you do she’ll act like nothing happened because fool you to fall in love with a Rihanna. The self-destructive side of me wants a Rihanna, I tell myself I’ll know when I see her and that I won’t give up too much of who I am for her, but that’s not how it works with a Rihanna, she’ll have you suicidal when she says it’s over. Well she won’t say its over so it will be ok.

Rihanna talked to the guys on her plane very few times, a guy streaked on the plane to kill boredom. This is what happens with a girl like this. You go in expecting the world, the time of your life and what you get instead is a random guy streaking and things you will never forget. But despite how disappointed all the people on the plane seemed to be if any one of us was given the chance to get on that plane and go on that tour with that girl who would say no? You know she'll break your heart but you also know its worth it. And this is why I have a crush on Rihanna.


  1. just reading one of the links you posted, she forgot her lyrics?!didn't expect that!
    i thought the plane sounded fun too, but just seen some footage, so damn crowded! before that i was wondering what you mean about filth and puke but yes, that seems quite likely. i had imagined some first class 777, everyone with a bed and what not.

  2. until a couple of weeks ago i had completely forgotten that planes have more than on class, that there's people being pampered in front. so it didn't even occur to me that these guys may have been travelling in luxury though rihanna probably was so she could have slept properly forgot about luxury sad