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Wednesday, June 19, 2013

it's cold

It’s cold now. We can admit that much. Just how cold? It’s get out of meetings by pretending you’re sick cold, it’s forget being a gentleman and fight for women’s lib by never taking off your jacket for a girl cold, it’s rub your nipples because they need it cold. It’s cold. Very cold.

I know some things about myself one of which is that I don’t like the cold. I don’t like the way it hangs in the air and waits to snuggle in between your clothes and your skin, I don’t like how it makes things in the daytime grey and washed out and hides the sun behind its curtains, I do like how it makes things misty and mysterious at night when the fog encapsulates the light from a street lamp and it seems as if you are walking through another world where magic is possible, that I like. Not the rest though.

I don’t like that I never have enough clothes on, that a t-shirt and shirt and a half sweater still leaves me shivering. I don’t like getting out of bed in the morning when it’s cold, you know what’s waiting for you out there and you wonder whether you left the windows in your room open. It couldn’t possibly be this cold if the windows are closed could it? No, I must have fucked up and left them open. Wow they are open, let me close them. Now they are closed. It’s about to get warm up in this muther…and…then…it…does…not. That, that I hate.

I’m more tired now. I want to let the alarm ring and ring and never get up. I just want to feel warm in my bed and I suspect it’s the absence of the sun. Vitamin d does a lot of things and they say you can’t get anything good for free. For example it makes sure you can’t get rickets, rickets. That sounds like a bad disease. It sounds like crickets and you know that annoying sound that crickets make as they chirp and chirp and chirp? That sounds just like bones breaking. And that’s what rickets does it makes bones brittle and ready to snap.

I go to the shower and I stand in that stream of hot water. Except it’s not a stream. A stream sounds like something that should engulf you this barely does. I’m not a big guy but when I stand in the water both my arms are outside it just chilling in the steamy, misty, cold air. Goosebumps form. Little craters poking out of my skin like I am about to give birth to a thousand thousand aliens. They’re trying to crawl out and the only way I can kill them is by letting hot water flow on them so I do. As soon as I do some of my chest is out so I have to move back in or, and this I can do, I can hug myself so I take up the least possible surface area. This means I’m not bathing anymore but it means I’m warm which is the best thing to be at this time. Then I realise I’ve been in the shower for way too long and I need to go outside. But, its cold outside. Very, very cold. No part of me wants to go. And this little drop of water has been coiling in the rubber insulated wires of the shower. It’s been collecting more and more water. Biding its time and cooing down until it drops on me like batman and it sends a shiver down all the way to my shoes that I haven’t worn yet. I hate that.

Though when I’m outside I feel better. The air tastes so much better in my nose, or it would if my nose didn’t immediately block up. Still I walk faster and with more purpose, the purpose being finding somewhere warm where I don’t need to walk any more. No more dust on my shoes which is a great advantage. But then no more dust on my shoes which means I have to polish them now otherwise people will now I’m just too lazy to be bothered with such things.

There’s a threat of rain. Its heavy, its constant and I can’t be bothered to heed it. If it actually rained though I’m imagining those drops would be icy, cold and cutting. I’m imagining they would cut right through my clothes, right through my skin, right to my nerves and make homes there. Homes so big ice princesses would live there. Homes so cold that instead of letting down her hair for the prince the ice princess would just cry and cry and cry until there was a rope if ice he could climb up. This is how that rain would feel. It would carry the cold of all the known world past all my defences and I can’t be bothered with the threat of it.

This is because before today I wasn’t even bothered with the actuality of the cold. I would put on a shirt and fold up the sleeves like no big thing. I would walk around the city without a whiskey flask. Of this I am most ashamed. There are times when a well-timed gulp of potato juice does more for you than the warmest elk-based coat and here I am pretending like I don’t need it.

It’s cold now, it will not be cold forever I keep telling myself. Past behaviour is an indicator of future behaviour isn’t it. Global warming cannot hope to keep its second name if it makes things this much colder. The problem is though that if it heads for a divorce things could be worse, the bitterness of the first marriage leaking into the union with Mr Climate change may be the worst thing for us and then it could be this cold forever.

Well, no. cold just makes me mellow-dramatic.